J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

I ain't gonna lie, I watch the Jersey Shore.  I went from thinking this shit was absolutely fucking stupid, to it being a good comedy, about a bunch of motherfuckers from the East Coast with fucked up accents that stir up shit.  Everyone who is anyone loves drama.  Even motherfuckers who don't involve themselves in drama, love drama.  Ya feel me?

So I present to you awesome people out there, my new column: "J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review"

Last nights episode brought me back to the days of the shit I experienced back in college.  What better way to bring back those great fucking memories than Episode 2 of those fuckers from the Jersey Shore.    

Sammi vs. JWOW:
I'm gonna have to call Round 2 of this epic bitch brawl, a DRAW.  A couple good shots to the face.  A handful of hair.  I mean, c'mon.  Fuck guys.  Sammi's a bitch but she got a handful of hair for crying out loud.  Although that bitch did get clocked pretty good, huh?   

What I really want to know is, why when you put a handful of women under one household, they want to fucking kill each other?  Bitches are brutal man. Not on just this show, but in fucking life.  Especially in college.  No bullshit.  You get a few chicks mad at one another, serious shit goes down.  Like, for reals.  I don't know what causes that fucked up chemical imbalance of evil for these broads.  From cat fights to fucking each others boyfriends to goddamn blackmail, women are cruel bitches when you get them going.  I would rather be shot in a fucking drive-by then have to deal with these females. 

Vinny and the Parasite:
It's exactly what you saw on the show.  Vinny being followed by the ugly bitch at the club.  Anywhere that poor fucking guy was, there was that bitch.  Staring.  Hiding.  Plotting.  I had a chick that did that same shit to me at a bar one night.  Every drink I went to order, there she was, getting a drink too.  I went to take a piss, she was right there.  Ready to piss her pants.  I went upstairs. She was fucking upstairs.  I went to dance, all of the sudden, the bitch turned into Michael Jackson.  So how did I escape like our man Vinny?

I said, fuck it, bought her a bunch of shots until she threw up on the bar and got her ass kicked out for being a drunk parasite.  What?  Did you think I was going to leave the bar so I could escape?  That bar was the shit.  If anyone was going to leave that place, it was going to be Tits Magee.   

A "Situation" Makes 3:
Two dudes, one chick.  A Threesome.  A man's motherfucking dream.  I mean, I personally would rather have two chicks touching just MY dong, but that's neither here, nor there. Whatever you do, don't let any fucking dude tell you different.  Sure Vinny pulled shady and took drunk slut Barbie to the guest room and locked the door so she could only experience his Italian sausage without "The Situation" crossing his sword.  Wouldn't you do the same thing?  I know myself along with my other buddies have.  Unless your ass is gay or bi-sexual, the thought of some other dudes bodily soaked penis possibly touching yours is just fucking wrong.  That's reason to get kicked in your fucking face man.  Fucking great, just thinking about that shit just made me throw up in my goddamn mouth.  

The offer...that was refused:
What's worse than thinking you're about to get laid when you don't?  Offering your vagina without any reservations and being denied from the person that just got denied a nice piece of vagina, 2 seconds before.  Ouch.  Bottom line, if you offer something without any questions asked and get denied, something is fucking wrong with you.  Disregard the fucking fact that you might have an STD or you have pubic hair that resembles Don King's afro.  You just might not be that attractive.  That, or the guy you just offered your pussy to isn't drunk enough to feel he needs pussy that fucking bad.  The biggest insult to a woman is when a man doesn't want to fuck you.  Looks like you better dust off that big ass vibrator you packed in your bag.  

Rammi (Ronni/Sammi):
I'm not gonna waste much of my breath on this.  Here is the couple attached to the hip.  I've seen this more goddamn times than I can count.  Either the boyfriend is cool and the girlfriend is a raging bitch, or it's the other way around.  Basically, because one of these lovebirds has fucking issues, no one wants to hang with them.  Who the fuck wants to anyway, right?  These couples need to get pushed off the fucking cliff together.  Good fucking riddance.  If you think staying in your room and gazing at each other for hours on end is fucking cool and lovey dovey, then someone please fucking shoot me right between the goddamn eyes.  Please.  I'll fucking pay you.  

Bro's before Hoe's:
It's obvious that meathead motherfucker Ronni, misses his boys.  Just so happens, his poor ass is stuck with a whiny bitch that he's living in a house with.  Oh, I mean, he's stuck with his awesome girlfriend.  Who in fact, is a whiny little bitch that cries about fucking every damn thing.  No question.   

Ronni is a dude. You know what dudes love? Hanging out with other dudes.  Their boys.  Getting fucking drunk. Hooking up with random bitches.  Breaking shit.  Getting arrested.  Doing fucking dude shit.  You have three single guys and one guy in a fucked up relationship.  All under one roof.  You really think for a goddamn second Gorilla Boy is happy hanging out in a fucking room all day with his lady who is crying about some bullshit?  Fuck no and fuck that shit.  This dude wants to have fun.  He wants to be the Ronni of old.  You know...hanging out with the fellas.  Drinking until he's so blacked out that he's hooking up with every fat bitch in the club.  Yessss...that Ronni.  "I'm down to go hoggin'" Ronni.  Remember that motherfucker?

Soon enough you will witness first hand that it's gonna be Ronni's bro's before his little hoe.  All in due time my friends.  

Sammi the Victim:
Lets get this bitch along with all the other whiny motherfuckers on Facebook, Myspace, and the world, together!  Put their asses on a plane and drop them off on a goddamn deserted island with nothing but some knives, guns and fucking baseball bats.  Then watch these crazy fucking people kill each other.  One by one.  Misery loves fucking company don't it?  

Save the drama and the bullshit for people that care.  This shit brings me back to the college days when that one motherfucker always had a fucking problem with everyone.  The person just met some mother fuckers an hour ago and already wants to fight or wants to start bitching about some shit that are making people scratch their heads.  I don't know if these sons of bitches are bi-polar or what but, they need a good ass kicking.  JWOW better start taking fucking karate or something if she expects to beat Sammi "The Victim" up.  I'm talking convincingly too.  I know a bunch of you ladies think JWOW won that fight but she didn't.  Maybe if she would have landed that first straight left, but she didn't.  Take karate bitch.  So you can send Sammi home packing.   

Lets see what next week brings.  I'm sure there will be more added drama along with arrests, fights, fucking and drunkeness.  Gym, Tan, Laundry my ass motherfuckers.  I'm just sayin'....