Attention Jersey Shore fans: RONNI IS A GODDAMN FUCKING HEADCASE THAT HAS BI-POLAR AND ANGER ISSUES. THANK GOD HE SURPRISES ME EVERY WEEK SO I HAVE AMAZING SHIT TO WRITE ABOUT. Oh, those other roommates are fun to write about too. Enjoy!
Mr. "All-Around" Situation:
"Some days I'm Uncle Situation. Other days I'm Dr. Situation, Chef Situation...Bang Your Girl Situation. I mean, I'm just uhhhh...pretty deep dude."
Wise words from the guy who is absolutely fucking clueless about life and cock blocks every opportunity he gets. Mike has no fucking mercy on ANYBODY, I swear. He's one of those dudes that will be your "best friend", then when you're not looking, turn around and push your ass down a flight of stairs and yell the words, "Ooops...my bad playa." This fucking guido is absolutely relentless, man. But to be honest, the world loves him for who he is. Maybe that's because the shit he pulls compared to Ronni and Sammi is far more entertaining. Who the fuck knows. All I know is that this dude gave Ronni the worst advice an adult human being could ever give another bro. If I remember what that mother fucker exactly said, I would have written it down. I think I was just caught up in the moment when his last words of encouragement to Ronni were, "I'd rather die standing then live on my knees..." as he proceeded to give himself props for thinking of such a great line. You're a funny mother fucker, Mike. You really are.
Three words: The Great Depression:
"I fucked up, huh?" "I feel like I destroyed the relationship. I definitely realize I lost something good now." For the last three weeks I have spent countless minutes writing about Ronni and Sammi. And to be quite honest, I thought I would have exhausted all my thoughts about these two. But as Sammi leaves due to Ron-Ron's absurd behavior, good old Ronni decides to pull some shit that made me say, "Wait, what?" Actually, I think he made America say the same shit I did.
I'm confused. Last week, did we not watch this individual, single handedly annihilate and destroy his girlfriends belonging and prize possessions? Did I forget to mention that for nearly 60 "television" minutes, he called her a "bitch", "slut", "cunt" and "whore" every time she opened her mouth?
Now Sammi leaves, and Ronni goes into depressed mode. Dude, do America a favor and go seek help you crazy mother fucker. I'm absolutely serious. Realize that in a 24 hour period, you went from "Rage Against the Machine" to "Jodeci"...like that. How could one person have so much anger towards another, belittle them, destroy their shit, then act as if they're the victim and what they did wasn't all that bad? It took all that drama, all that damage, for you to fucking realize that you "definitely lost something good?" Are you fucking out of your goddamn mind mother fucker? Ya think, asshole! You know what your problem is? You love power and control. You are the epitome of every psycho/serial killer persona that has ever walked the fucking face of this earth. While Sammi was around, you treated that crazy bitch however you wanted to...in part, because she was dumb enough to fucking let you. But once you went Ike Turner on that bitch, she had seen and had enough, so she bounced. Once that happened, all of the sudden, you're mister, "I miss her and love her so much. I will die for her." Mother fucker, that shit right there, describes someone with Bi-fucking-polar disorder. That's you. No one just all of the sudden, goes on a goddamn rampage then turns soft. Unless God had a serious sit-down with your crazy fucking ass that night, then maybe. But I'm pretty sure that your gorilla ass ain't religious and this isn't no "ABC After School fucking Special".
Understand that mother fuckers, a.k.a. your female roommates, are scared of you, crazy son of a bitch. Don't hate on them just because they were sticking up for the girl that you basically could have killed, if you two mother fuckers were alone in a goddamn corn field. For you to get mad at these girls for trying to make a point, just reiterates the fact that you are a goddamn loose cannon and headcase man. I have never in my 31 years of life seen a guy flip the switch as fast as you do. And I've seen some dudes go crazy on their bitch. You my friend, are a special exception to the rule. I really wish I knew what the fuck goes on in that big ass head of yours. Now that I think about it, I don't think you actually, truly, admitted, TO YOURSELF, that she is gone because of you. Your ass may have said it, but taking actual ownership of your fucked up actions is nowhere to be found. How do I know? Well, watching how you got all goddamn defensive any time your roommates mentioned you were at fault, basically puts the icing on the cake that you're crazy mother fucker and have no clue on what is going on.
Buy all the flowers you want, address your unconditional undying love, whatever...all I know is that the shit you pulled in this episode tells me and the rest of America two things: 1) You will be a future inmate at San Quentin State Prison or 2) You will be on America's Most Wanted. Crazy mother fucker.
The Prank War:
Cake, dog shit and Crocodilly. I have never seen a more pathetic display of pranks than what we all just witnessed. Was it funny? Kind of. I mean, the bag with the dog shit was wrong, but I got a good kick out of it. As soon as I heard Pauly D say, "1, 2, 3, 4...I declare a prank war," I thought that we were going to see some pretty epic stuff. I'm talking like jerking off in the girls conditioner bottle, shitting in the back of the toilet tank, putting pubes in their salad...you know, actual pranks. Was that too much? You guys have done shit like this before, right? Wait, maybe I'm the only one that's done these types of things. Uhhh, this is awkward. Ok, on to the next topic...
Case of the shit-stained panties:
Alright guys, who's shit-stained panties was it? Constipated ass Deena? Overly bronzed Snooki? Big titty JWOWW? Well, whoever the fuck it was, it was pretty goddamn nasty. Did you guys actually see the shit stain on those drawers? It literally looked like it went from the top of their vagina to the top of their ass crack. What the fuck is going on here? What an awful night to have the shits and wear white, right? See, dudes aren't the only ones that get skid marks.
Payback's a bitch:
You saw it. I saw it. Last week, good guy Vinny was about to get some ass from a very hot number he met at the club, until...Uncle fucking Guido and the Italian Mafia decided to show up and ruin his game on the late night. Talk about being cock blocked. This dude had a wall of dicks show up and play "Captain Save a Ho". Such a very low blow to ones penis. However, we all know that if they wouldn't have shown up, his dick would have been so far up this gal, that she would have needed a stretcher to be removed from his bed. Hey, I'm not the one that claims this dudes dick is a size of a baseball bat. But hearing these rumors just gives me added incentive to give the guy props.
Fast forward a week later and what do ya know...the dude Snooks decides to bring home was one of the cock blockers from last week. So what happens? Payback. Payback for what Vinny was planning to do with Pocahontis but couldn't because this guy and his posse, "Menudo", decided to ruin the show. Vinny has no shame, bust down the door and pulls out his very own hate card. For a second, myself along with America thought it was going to work. Lucky for Mr. Hook-up, Snooki fought for that cock she so desparately wanted and it was the end of Vinny and his attempt on revenge.
Tell me this though...what the fuck was up with the guy asking Snooki what his name was about 57 times? Dude, what the fuck does it matter? You're about to get fucking laid without needing to pay for it. Shut the fuck up, stick your dick in her and call it a night. For fuck's sake man, you sound like someone that is about to have sex for the first fucking time. Embrace the fact that you're getting pussy. So what if it's from a slut like Snooki. Pussy is pussy. Well, until you get some shit on your dick...then it's not so cool.
Another episode down, another few more to go. Is Sammi returning? Is Mike going to finally fuck one of his female roommates? Is Ronni going to jump off the balcony or possibly "accidentally" kill someone in their sleep? Hey, my guess is as good as yours, so do what I do and stay glued to your tv's next week.
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