Was it me or did the Jersey Shore Season Finale fucking suck big ass donkey dick? There I was, on the edge of my fucking seat, hoping for Ronni and Sammi to get into a gun fight and kill one another, "The Situation" to admit he loves men...specifically, himself. Pauly D and Vinny to have an orgy with some banging hot chicks but share that double dick touching moment that the world would either accept or leave them broke. I wanted something. America wanted something. But what we got, was nothing. HOWEVER...after a season like this one, who thought a bunch of mother fuckers from the Jersey Shore could teach me so many lessons in life. Quite honestly, what I'm about to breakdown for everyone, I hope America and my faithful blog readers enjoy. So lets quit with all the damn bullshit and get this fucking party started, shall we?
Just because you like cock, doesn't mean you are gonna get laid:
I was going to apply this to two ladies from the Jersey Shore this season, but you know what, at the end of the day, it only applies to one special fucking lady. Deena, Deena, Deena. I have never seen one person want dick sooooo fucking bad that every attempt to get it, was a failure. A really bad fucking failure too. What do you call this type of person? You can't call them a slut because sluts actually have sex. With multiple dudes...they probably just met. And if they don't have sex, they suck a ton of fucking dick. Gotta love them blow jobs! But guys...how pathetic is it to dress the part, act the part and at the end of the day, not be the part? I mean, you mine as well be a goddamn prude because whatever you're doing, ain't fucking working. Well, that might be because half of you looks like a man with chubby ass hands and a vagina probably the size of a goddamn cantaloupe. I don't care how fucking horny you are or what kind of sexual pleasures you're down to offer me...if you resemble one bit of a man, I would rather punch you in the fucking face rather than fuck the back of your throat. Straight up. No bullshit. You are a special creature that needs to give up on life and go fuck plants or something.
Friends don't front:
There were only two real friendships this whole fucking season. JWOWW/Snooki/Deena and Pauly D/Vinny. So lets be real people...this is what 92% of friendships are about. Not trippin' off bullshit. Not getting jealous. Not being two-faced. Just looking out for one another and having some goddamn fun. Do friends fight? Of course they do. But everyday? Fuck all that. Siblings don't even do that. If one of my so-called good friends fought with me everyday, do you know what would happen? Murder in the 1st mother fuckers. Ain't no "true friends" trying to be a part of all that meaningless bullshit that doesn't need to happen. Save that shit for the headcases. In this case, Ron-Ron and Sammi. I never understood and probably never will, all the fucking drama that ensued with different groups in the house. It was like, mother fuckers woke up mad, ready to fight and shit. Like their refrigerator was stocked with a lifetime supply of fucking Haterade or something. But whatever the case, the shit we saw between these true friends made me appreciate their realness (as much as it annoyed us from time to time)...unless it was for show? And if that was the case, fuck you assholes because myself along with America fell for that shit and thought it was a beautiful fucking thing.
Never put the pen in the company ink:
When I graduated college, my roommates and friends always thought I would be the first to bang a chick at my first, real, adult job. I never did. As much as I love vagina, I knew that if I boned a chick from the office, shit could just get awkward. I mean, nothing is worse than dealing with a possible crazy bitch that you have to see EVERY.GODDAMN.DAY. Case in point, Snooki and Vinny. Last season, they fucked and did it quite often. This season, Vinny said, "Fuck all that." Good job Vin. See, the problem with boning someone under the same roof, that's your roommate, is awkward. Once you slip those panties to the side and slide in your dong, all bets are off. I don't care if you do it once or 10 times over. Sex is sex and if you live under the same roof, consider yourself in a (somewhat) "relationship". And what we all know, Vinny was getting so much ass that you would have thought his part-time job was fucking. On the flip side, Snooki couldn't get fucked to save her life (almost as bad as manly ass Deena). What does that translate to? Jealousy. Jealousy from that one person who thought they could get it whenever they wanted, when, in the end, backfired. Miserably. See, what Vinny did was smart. He made it a point to play the "I don't wanna hurt you" role with Snooki, so he can keep smashing ass. And even though Snooks didn't like it and hated on him from time to time, the Vinster could do no wrong. Why? Because he didn't dip that pen where it could cause problems. He knew sometimes you don't need ink to get the job done. Pencils are better anyway. None of this shit made no goddamn sense. Who gives a fuck.
It's ok to cause drama if you have a way out:
No one was better at this, than the man himself, "The Situation". A majority of us know, that this guy is a fucking prick. However, no one had better one-liners and solutions to getting out of problems than Mike. And when I say problems, I'm talking about problems that this mother fucker started. I mean, I think I quoted this sack of shit every review I wrote. That's how fucking hilarious and idiotic this guy is. Do any of you realize how much shit this guy caused that had absolutely nothing to do with him? I would say 75% of the drama was due to this mother fucker. I swear. And honestly, without Mike this season, half the shit that we were talking about the next day wouldn't even fucking exist. Sure we hated the guy, but at the same time, we embraced this fucking ass clown. Not only that, but I bet half of fucking America took notes on how to stir up shit and act like they had nothing to do with it. One word: AWESOME. In the words of the man himself, "Some days I'm Uncle Situation. Other days I'm Dr. Situation, Chef Situation...Bang Your Girl Situation. I mean, I'm just uhhhh...pretty deep dude." Whoever you want to be, is alright with me mother fucker.
If it doesn't work out after the 3rd time, part your separate ways, or go kill yourself:
What better way to make my point then to re-post why one man and one woman should NEVER BE TOGETHER.
"You do you, I'll do me?" "Cry some more tears, Niagra Falls!" "Watch the way you talk to me!" "Fuck you, you douche bag!" "I got the smush room tonight, I'm fucking some broad." "I'm over it." "I'm over you bitch." "Please, go live your life." "Fuck you, you fucking fuck!" "Don't ever touch my shit!" "I hate you!!" "I want nothing to do with you." "I'll put your shit on fire, bitch!!" "I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone in my entire life!" "Stop you psycho!!!!!" "Stay away from me you fucking psycho!!!!!!" "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you." "I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you, bitch!!" "Get the fuck out of here you fucking bitch!" "Good, because I've never liked you." "That's why I cheated on you in Miami." "You useless whore!!" "I got girls cooking me dinner bitch." "Useless spoiled bitch!!" "You don't deserve me." "I hate you!! Fuck you!!" "Fuck this bitch." "You put your hands on me? You put your hands on me? I'll fucking show you." "Sleep on the porch." "Bitch. Bitch. Fucking bitch." "You're a slut." "Stupid bitch." "All my stuff is ruined." "You did me wrong tonight." "You fucking disrespected me in my face." "This is not okay." "You embarrassed ME tonight." "No, you embarrassed ME tonight." "Enough is enough." "What are you looking for?" "Get the fuck out of my face." "You can dance with a guy in front of me like that?" "You fucking idiot." "You're a piece of shit." "At least I had some fucking respect to do it when I'm not around." "That's not fucking love." "You disgust me in so many ways."
I've said it time and time again. Ronni, you're a fucking twat. Sammi you're a fucking cunt. I hope one day, you two "accidentally" fall off a balcony. America has never loved/hated you two so much. It's actually fucking disgusting. But in the end, you two fuck faces entertained America even though we tried to find ways to have you two assassinated.
A good season. Some good laughs. Some definite head scratching from time to time. What's next for these East Coast kids? Italy. Now that should be some fucking funny shit. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do to replace this show every Thursday but whatever I do, I'll be fucking fist pumpin', getting drunk and calling everyone a "cunt".
Until next season...
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