Episode 9 (or is it 10) was pretty interesting. Fuck the bullshit intro. Lets go to the mother fucking play-by-play, shall we? Oh, and you're welcome. Check it...
She's BAAAAACCCKKK:
Awkward moments are never fun. Especially when you think someone that left was never coming back...then fucking ends up coming back. Fuck goddamnit, we were wrong people. America knew that Ron-Ron was just beginning to find himself too. We were starting to see glimpses of the old Ronni. Looks like those plans have changed huh, mother fucker?! Surprise!!! Cunt face Sammi is back and apparently, "better than ever"! Somebody fucking throw me off a buiding...I'll stand on the ledge to make it easier for ya.
First off, bitch, you were gone for like what...2 weeks? All of the sudden, you are this NEW person. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Secondly, all this, "I'm a strong woman" bullshit, just needs to stop. America ain't fucking stupid and we all know that you are weak and will go back to Ronni, sooner than later. You may act like you don't give a shit now, but I'm betting the goddamn house that you will be fucking that dude in the next episode...reverse cowgirl style too. You know, it's chicks like you that need help. I'm not saying Ronni is a saint because that mother fucker is crazy and delusional. I mean, I've never seen a guy go from breaking shit that wasn't his, to crying like a goddamn baby in a matter of 15 fucking minutes. I do have to say though, when Sammi entered the house, the look on Ronni's face was fucking priceless. It was as if he went to the doctor's office and found out he got AIDS from fucking one too many grenades with no condom. Aaaah, the look of disappoint and fear is one to always cherish.
From the man himself, "The Situation," I quote: "Looks like it's back to the old Sam and Ron saga..."
You're telling me mother fucker.
Give it Up Ronni:
"You look beautiful tonight." "I don't wanna like, smother you."
The attempt to hand hold. Leaving the club before it even gets poppin'. Waiting by the door for Sammi to arrive. Ronni, I have one word for you bro: Pussy. You my friend need to sack the fuck up, drink some milk and show this bitch that she's exactly that...a bitch. Hey man, the world knows you are fucked up in the head. Not Charlie Sheen fucked up, but damn near close. So why are you confirming the fact that you are also a fucking vagina? And not a nice waxed vagina either. But a smelly, hairy, lonely and angry vagina.
Ron-Ron, do you know about 45% of people like you, kill bitches like Sammi? When I say kill, I mean, like you stab or choke a bitch out of love. And do you know why? Because you're fucking crazy bro and obsessed. You think that "love" is arguing. Breaking shit. Making people's beds out on balcony's. Crying uncontrollably while looking like you might take a knife and stab an innocent bystander walking by. Calling a girl a cunt then saying, "I love you so much baby." 45% of people are like you. 100% fucking crazy bro. I don't know what you're up to and why you want Sammi back but, for whatever the case, just know that the next big argument that ensues, I hope someone gets stabbed. Not seriously stabbed, but enough to warrant a hospital visit and maybe some questioning by the Jersey Shore Police Department.
Quit being a bitch, sack the fuck up and start being a man. You big ass pussy.
Who drank the Haterade?:
Let me give you a hint...she's overly tanned, stature of an Ewok, loves anything that smells like food and has a vagina the size of a honey dew melon. Can you guess who? You guessed it right...the Snookster!
One thing I can't fucking stand...it's a goddamn hater. Especially a hater that is not only a LUSH, but a SLUT too. That's possibly the worst fucking hater combo known to man. Hey Snooks, how is banging dudes while hating on your big dick of a roommate necessary? I mean, the dude made it perfectly clear weeks ago, that he ain't trying to fuck you if you're gonna be a hater if he wants to bang other broads. You may hate the fact that Vinny said it, but he was honest. And how could you possibly hate a dude like that, right? Oh that's right, you hate because your vagina's lonely. I guess I would hate too considering your success rate of asking dudes to bone you is a measly 12%. Ouch.
And what is this shit with Sammi, manly ass Deena and JWOWW trying to confide in Snooks? You fucking serious ladies? Hey, do me a favor...stay the fuck out of it. Don't try to give Vinny a guilt trip for something he can't control...and that's an emotional wreck named S-N-O-O-K-I. Especially you Sammi. You little bitch. Trying to talk like you're a goddamn love expert. You're the last person, anyone should listen to. If anything, you need experience what real dick taste like before you open your fucking mouth. Cunt.
Damn, I was a little angry there, huh? Who cares. Sammi's a bitch.
The Hi-Five:
Did anyone see Pauley D hi-five that chick he banged goodbye? He gave her a serious and awkward hi-five. Just one. One hi-five. Not a hug. Not a kiss. Not even an awkward hug where your ass is really pointed out and your back is stiff as a board. But a hi-five. Like the shit you give dudes for making a three-point play. What chicks give one another when they make a "kill" in volleyball. A hi-five? Shit, he got laid so I guess a hi-five is cool. But damn, that's like kissing your cousin when you see them. Not on the lips or anything. Unless you're into that.
The Broken Toilet:
I don't want to get into specific details, because when I think about it, I just end up throwing up in my fucking mouth and honestly, that shit ain't fucking cool. Just know that when a plumber sees what your toilet looks like and is scared shitless of it, then you know shit is fucking REALLY BAD.
They finally got that fucking toilet fixed after weeks of someones shit just hanging out and marinating like it was a fucking steak. Congrats you lazy, dirty, fucks! Man, I need to go and throw the fuck up now.
Karma (not the club) fucking sucks:
Cheese spreads are awesome and taste delightfully delicious. But not so fucking awesome and delicious when that shit resides in between the sheets of your bed. Without you knowing. AND while you're about to bang a broad you just brought home. One word: Karma. Four words: Sucks to be you. It was only a matter of time until some of the roommates got payback on Mr. Mike. Was it justified? What the fuck does it matter, the shit was hilarious. I mean, putting a shit load of cheese in someone's bed that you know won't wash them (EVER) is pretty clever. I'm just wondering how long it's gonna take Mike to realize that it wasn't the broad that smelled like gouda, but the shit he's sleeping on top of. Which reminds me...how is it that Mike didn't know that you could get an STD from someone giving you head? For a guy that has "fucked a lot" of chicks, you would think he would be the expert on the consequences of hooking up with multiple broads.
Fun fact of the day: A woman with a yeast infection could in fact, smell like cheese. That is pretty fucking disgusting. Wow. I really just said that, huh? I guess if you were hungry for something cheesy, it's never a bad thing to ask the chick you're boning. I mean, how often do chicks get yeast build-up between their legs? Once a month? Maybe twice? Ooookkkk...this is awkward...
What's in store for next week folks? Do Sammi and Ronni get back together? Does Vinny stick his dick back into that Fondu Bronzer of a Fountain that is Snooki? Is Deena going to get laid or will she look more and more like a man as each episode passes? America wants drama, comedy and drunken chaos. We are due for something folks. I can fucking feel it.
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