J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

In this episode....

Mike's Shitty Master Plan:
What does one do if all the roommates are out for the day and they find themselves alone with two dogs? That's easy...take the dogs out from their gated corner, then feed them endless amounts of chips, pizza, peanut butter and fluff...then watch them wreck the fucking house like it's open season on the goddamn toilet. Man, I have never seen so much shit come out of two little annoying ass dogs...IN.MY.LIFE. Every goddamn second, you saw the dogs taking a fucking shit. EVERYWHERE.

Shitting in the living room, the bedroom, the hallway...in the fucking kitchen. Guys, the dogs took a shit in the fucking kitchen for crying out loud. The mother fucking kitchen, people. They had shits longer than their goddamn bodies, man. But Mike being Mike though, had a master plan. What exactly that plan was, is well over my fucking head, because I'm confused as to why one mother fucker that lives in a house with other people, would let two dogs just shit and piss everywhere...knowing that his ass lives there too. Yeah, they shit in a few bedrooms and hallways, but dude, they shit in your fucking kitchen and living room. On the mother fucking floor and carpet. The very same fucking floor and carpet that you walk around bare foot. That's fucking sick bro and it ain't right. But I ain't gonna lie, I got a good laugh watching this shit storm take over the Seaside house...but for fuck's sake, did you have to let them take a shit everywhere? 1-2 places, cool. But 10? Fuck that shit. You are one dude I would hate to piss off. I'm dead serious. The ideas in that big ass head of yours are fucking scary man. No joke.


Assumption is the Mother of All Fuck-Ups:
How do you avoid someone when you have been caught red-handed? Do the dip. What's the "Dip" you ask? The "Dip" is defined as: Running from someone you are "involved" with when you know you have been caught (with someone else) hoping they didn't see you "in the act".

This is what JWOWW thought her man Roger was doing and left a pretty mean message on his cell phone to plant the seed. Then, by the grace of the tanning gods, she realized he couldn't have been with another broad. Why? Because her big titty ass remembered he was rushing to get his hair did at the time she thought she saw him (or some shit like that). Hey JWOWW, <open mouth, insert foot> bitch. The dude is a good guy from what America knows so far, don't fuck up a good thing by going all "Fatal Attraction" and shit. No mother fucker wants to see that. We already see enough with Ronni and Sammi.

Which brings me to the MAIN EVENT folks...


Sonofabitch, they're BACK AT IT! Wait, they're not? Wait, what's happening?! WTF?!:
What the fucking fuck people?! Did you mother fuckers see what I saw? Sammi, you said you're confused?! Get fucked you dumb bitch. You know what I'm confused about? How your sorry ass is back in that goddamn house. "I've changed. You've changed." What the fuck?! Hey mother fucker, hasn't it been like 2 1/2 weeks that you two cunts have been apart? All of the sudden, all is well?! You're both stronger? You have both matured like a fucking...a fucking...whatever the fuck that matures in a mature way? For fuck's sake goddamnit, why is MTV doing this to us? I mean, Sammi thought a fucking penguin was a goddamn mammal for crying out loud. That should tell America the bitch isn't too bright...about ANYTHING. I was blown away when I saw Ron-Ron and Sammi "The Twat" try to rekindle the relationship that had all the bad writing on the walls. Well, until we came back from a goddamn commercial break. Shit just got really fucking REAL...

"The Sweetest Bitch You Ever Met. Sammi...caught you. You sneaky bitch." Well said, Mike.

Sammi, Sammi, Sammi. Shame on you young lady. You don't text anybody? Then why so defensive if you don't text anybody sweetheart? Everything was going so well with you and Gorilla Ronni then Mike runs into his buddy, Arvin. Before I go any further with my insight, who the fuck would name their goddamn kid Arvin? Jesus people, stop trying to be cool and think you're doing your kid a favor by naming him some shit that sounds like a goddamn Erectile Dysfunction pill. Arvin? Hey, why don't you just name the fucking guy Oscar Meyer Weiner while you're at it. Dumb fucks. Anyway...

Arvin tells Mike, Sammi is spittin' game at him. Mike tells his housemates and shows them the very text from Arvin's phone. Now, World War Fucking XVI is about to begin...

<cue WWXVI music>

You know what's funny when people get caught red-handed? They tend to blame other people...AND they LOVE to bring in other people...as if those people will help them dig themselves out of the ditch. "Sam is definitely playing Ron out. Ron's calling for roses, crying on my shoulder...listening to Michael Bolton. And she's texting other dudes." Well said again, Mike. Call Mike a hater, troublemaker, instigator, whatever...the fact of the matter is, Sammi got fucking caught. It's a small, small world bitch, I thought you knew?

"If this relationship continues, I'll kill myself. I swear, I'll kill myself." When Pauly D says some shit like this, you know shit has gone fucking haywire. I mean, the mother fucker would probably really kill himself because Ron-Ron and Sammi are so fucked up in the head, that it's making the poor guy depressed. Just like the rest of America. These two fucking individuals remind me of every bad season of The Real World. It's so bad, that it keeps you entertained, even though you wish each of those mother fuckers would either choke on something or get hit by a fucking double decker bus. Let the truth be fucking told.

Highlight of the night:
G.T.F - Gym, Tanning, Find out who Sammi is texting behind Ronni's back.

G.T.I. - Gym, Tanning, I'm not buying it. 

One word: Hilarious. Pauly D right now is one of my favorite dudes. The mother fucker just sits back and gets front row seats to all the drama that ensues. Hi-five mother fucker! 

So before we end this discussion with Cunt-ilingus Sammi and Twatty face Ronni, I have one question. Arvin? Really? You texted a fucking dude named Arvin? Like Marvin but without the "M"? Similar to Arby's but spelled A-R-V-I-N? I know names shouldn't determine the person you date but damn, I think I would laugh everytime one of my friends said, "Hey, this is my boyfriend, Arvin." Arvin the fucking Erectile Dysfunction pill. Wow. I must be drunk because I am highly entertained by this right now.

The drama is getting intense. Tempers are flaring. And I am almost certain of one thing...Ronni kills Sammi in the next episode. Call it fucked up thinking but guys...c'mon. Would it surprise you if you see a dead body floating in the ocean in the next episode????

Until next week...